DALLAS, TEXAS
What was supposed to be a celebration went horribly wrong when a Leatherman from Fort Worth went berserk following the presentation of a leather Muir cap. Master Childress R. Burtonfink had an extremely emotional response to the ceremony when it was discovered that the cap was a size 7 3/4, when Burtonfink wears an 8 1/2.
“When the cap was placed on his head it was immediately clear something was wrong,” one witness who asked not to be identified reported. “It was the wrong size and everyone knew it.”
The cap, which was supposed to fit snugly sat instead precariously on top of Burtonfink’s head. “It just looked silly,” the witness said, “like something out of a cartoon.”
Burtonfink, a large man standing 6’6″ and weighing close to 500 pounds, flew into an immediate rage and began behaving erratically. According to some, Burtonfink began performing a “crazy straight-legged walk, like Frankenstein or something out of a Godzilla movie.” Arms flailing wildly and with his eyes rolled back into his head, he began making strange sounds. “It was a combination of a deep growl and the sound a cat makes when you accidentally step on it,” said Peter Vanderhoden, the man who arranged the ceremony.
“When these things go bad,” Vanderhoden said, “you have just cross your fingers and duck under a table.”
Vanderhoden escaped injury, but four others were not so fortunate. Three members of Burtonfink’s leather family were rushed to Dallas Memorial Hospital, two with fractured bones and one who had an large metallic object lodged in his anus. The fourth victim, Jason C. Morales, was a staff member at the hotel and was sedated and removed because, according to paramedics, “he couldn’t stop laughing.” All are expected to make a full recovery.
According to insiders a new cap has been ordered and ceremonies are being rescheduled. Vanderhoden, however, won’t be a part of it. “This has changed things between us. It’s sad, but sometimes you realize you just need to move on.”
