My name is Chance Berquist and I have been a member of the BDSM community for almost a dozen years and during that time I have seen a lot of changes! Many of them have been positive, but one recent trend that has become harmful to the community is men sending abusive and clueless emails to women online.
Just because you are anonymous, doesn’t give you the right to be rude, condescending or thoughtless. Before you hit send, try to put yourself in the shoes of the person reading your message.
Try getting to know the person, talking to them about the things that interest them and maybe even talk a little about yourself and what you are looking for (hint: not just sex!)
Just this morning, I received this little gem:
I saw you lived in the area and after reading your profile I thought I would send you a message. Like you, I am a big fan of science fiction. It was great to see someone who loves Ursula LeGuin and Philip K. Dick. Two of my favorites as well.
I’ve been active in the scene for about 5 years and I am finally over my last break up and ready to start looking for a new relationship. I have a couple of current play partners, but no romantic connections. Maybe we could grab a cup of coffee and talk about sci-fi and see if there are some sparks?
I know! Unbelievable!
So guys, when you are approaching a woman you need to treat her like a person, not like a piece of meat! All this guy can talk about is getting into my pants, treating me like his own personal fetish, spouting orders and demanding that I be “submissive” to him.
Here’s a news flash “David” (how pompous!), I may be submissive but I am not your submissive.
The guy can’t even take five minutes to read my profile. Just because I talk about science fiction and coffee in my profile doesn’t mean I am easy. You can’t just spout off about LeGuin and expect me to drop my panties and open my thighs.
Messages like this make me feel gross and yucky. I want to connect with a person, not be someone’s faceless fantasy object.
Next time you write something, remember there is a person on the other side of the screen. A person with feelings.